Episode 1: The Path of Dharma That Led Me to This Work

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Hello, beautiful people. Welcome to Nectar: sex and soul. I'm your host Sureya Leonara, and I'm a holistic sex and relationship coach. This is a chance for us to get intimate, to reach far into the mystical, magical, tender, inspiring, vital, primordial depths of what it is to be human; what it is to express and inhabit these amazing bodies fully; and what it is to make love to the divine in everything we do.

We'll be penetrating deeply into the nectar of what it is to be alive and turned on by life, how to transmute pain and hardship into pleasure and medicine, how to embody the union of polarities, including sex and spirit, and how to love every piece of ourselves wholeheartedly.

This is a space where we don't just talk about the act of sex, but rather how sexual energy permeates every area of our lives as the seed of creation and the source from which we all came. Exploring sexuality in this way not when we take our sex lives to the next level, but is a catalyst for a life that turns us on in each and every moment, not just in the bedroom. Within you stirs a sexual vitality that is capable of so much more than you could possibly imagine.

This is what we explore on Nectar: sex and soul. Thanks for coming to play.

mmmm, hello everyone. Thank you so much for being here. It is so lovely to have you all here. On nectar, sex and soul. I am sureya Leonara. I'm a holistic sex and relationship coach. Today i'm going to share a little bit about me. One of the most common questions that I receive is how I got into this work. So I'd love to share a little bit about my story with you and how the path of Dharma led me here.

Like I said, I am a holistic sex and relationship coach. I work with people of all genders, sexual orientations, individuals, and couples. I specialized in working with men for a long time. Many of my teachings are rooted deeply in tantra and Taoism, and we'll discuss more of what that is and what holistic sex and relationship coaching is in the next couple episodes here. I will sum it up now by saying that essentially I have a gift for holding the mirror at an angle for people to witness their own brilliance and to really fall in love with themselves and to cultivate a relationship with self that ripples out in beautiful, fulfilling, nourishing ways to all of their other relationships.

I work in the realms of sexuality and relationship, but this work expands really truly into every single part of life and you'll start to see in our time together, how all of it is so deeply interconnected.

I did not come into this work because sex was already this perfect cakewalk for me. I came into this work through a dark night of the soul and through a deep initiation through my own healing journey. Around the age of 22 and actually much earlier, this had been ongoing for a long time, but it became much louder in my early twenties. I grew very ill with a whole massive chronic illness, Lyme's disease and co-infections, and some other various things that were creating a lot of strain on my body. With that I was experiencing pain during sex and I lost my libido.

Along with losing my libido, I really lost my zest for life in a lot of ways. My vitality was just zapped. I didn't feel so alive, and that was one of my first clues into how sexual energy and vitality were connected. At the time I was in a long-term relationship and I really wanted to figure this out. I was 22. I was like, why am I having these sexual issues so young, and I need to figure this out for the health and happiness of myself, as well as for my relationship. So alongside going deep into the rabbit hole of working with all kinds of different doctors and practitioners on my physical health, I started looking into the world of tantra and Taoism, and I had already dabbled in these realms a little bit. I started really seeking out sexual healing in a spiritual context. I went to my first weekend long tantra workshop, and it totally blew my mind. It was the most naturally high I had ever felt.

I felt so connected to these total strangers who I just met, my heart was blasted open. I felt so connected to myself, I was able to cultivate such a sweet intimacy; a platonic intimacy with all of these people in this workshop.

In this workshop, I received a lot of tools around sexual healing, and I had been avoiding sex for a long time because it was painful, and because I didn't really have much of an arousal level. This workshop really illuminated to me that the only way around it was through it. This was a lesson that I had learned in other ways before.

By avoiding the pain, I was also blocking my pleasure. So pain and pleasure are two sides of the same spectrum. They are opposites that are two sides of the same coin. And we will talk so much about all these two sides of the same coin that exists in this world through a non- dual perspective.

I realized that in order to reclaim my pleasure, I had to be willing to lean into the pain and to listen. Both with my partner at the time, as well as on my own, I started diving into these tools of sexual healing. Little by little, petal by petal, my yoni started to open up again.

Yoni is the tantric or Sanskrit word for vagina, vulva, pussy. It actually encapsulates the entire feminine reproductive system. It's the vulva, it's the vagina, it's the womb, it's that whole space and it means sacred space and source of life. We'll touch more on tantric terms later, but petal by petal, my yoni started to open again and come back to life by gently working through the pain and listening to what my body had to say. I'm not a big fan of the term sexual dysfunction, because so often what we see as a dysfunction, what we see as a problem is actually communication from our body letting us know that something is out of balance. Something needs attention.

When we can turn towards that, when we learn the language of our body, and we get really curious, we can start to find our way home to ourselves, to a deeper wholeness, a deeper harmony within. For me, there were all kinds of things coming up; unresolved, sexual traumas, poor boundaries, ways in which I had been living from a place of low self-worth, victim mentality , not being embodied, not knowing how to listen to my body. There were all of these things my body was trying to communicate with me. One of them being that I was not listening to what my body needed, and I was often in overdrive and pushing myself too hard.

Another way that I hadn't been listening to my body, which I wasn't even aware of at the time was, I didn't know the language of my yoni. There were so many times that I didn't know how to draw boundaries or that my boundaries were violated, that I was penetrated too soon, that I opened my body in circumstances where I didn't actually want to. My yoni was pissed. There was so much built up trauma that hadn't been addressed.

And now she was finally speaking up about it.

I had been in a very toxic relationship prior to this relationship, very toxic relationship that I learned so much from. It was really a deep initiation into finding my self -worth for the first time ever. I didn't even know I was missing it. It's really interesting because oftentimes, particularly for women, but this can happen for people of all genders, people will say it's so weird that now that I'm with a partner who feels safe, all of this baggage is coming up, and this was never present with my previous partners. Why is this all coming up now? And it's because there's a safe space for it to come up. There's somebody who can hold you in that, and we have the space to actually do that work. So I think a lot of the stuff from this previous relationship I had flared up and came up to be healed, and I was finally in a space to do that healing. I started reawakening my sexual energy, and diving much deeper into the paths of tantra and Taoism, when I came across my next tantra teacher, who really opened me up to the whole of tantra, beyond just sexuality. In the west, a lot of people equate tantra with sexuality, and sexuality is just one small piece of tantra and we're going to talk about that a lot more in the next episode.

Ultimately finding this teacher and diving into maha mudra tantra opened me to such an expansive way of relating with the world, relating with myself, relating with this teacher of illness. This was when I really came to see illness as a teacher. This was a game changer because when I first got sick, I was in such a world of self-pity. I was so pissed. Like, I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I was only 22. I even remember hearing about somebody getting Lyme's disease years earlier and being like, oh my God, I hope I never get that, that sounds awful.

When it happened to me, I was so upset and so discouraged and disheartened, and I was exhausted, and I was in so much pain all the time. My body was really, really, really going through it. There was very much a wounded part of me that wanted support, that wanted sympathy ,and it's not wrong to want support, but sympathy is an interesting kind of cheap high where we want people to feel sorry for us. Compassion is a deeper empathy; it's feeling with someone, feeling for their pain, but not necessarily leaving your state to be with them there. Not pitying them, but just being with them in their experience.

Self pity and sympathy, they're connected to this state of victimization, of really feeling why me, and feeling out of control of the situation, and feeling like somehow things are happening to us or against us. I had really deeply been in that space and it was really heavy. It was a really dark period of my life.

Coming into the teachings of tantra, which sees everything as sacred because tantra sees everything as one, all coming from and returning to the same source. If everything was sacred, then I realized that this was happening for me. This was a part of the journey, a very important piece of the process, and this was here to teach me something.

And so I was able to shift into more of a state of pronoia, which is the idea that the universe is conspiring in our favor. It's the opposite of paranoia. By feeling that this was happening for me, that this was an initiation into a greater part of my path, I was able to reclaim my role as a co-creator of this universe, and to see that actually this was leading me to the deepest passion and sense of purpose I had ever known.

I became obsessed with this work and I started diving into working with different teachers and lineages and practices. I started rebuilding my vitality, continuing to heal my own sexuality, and rewiring my relationships to be healthier, more fulfilling, empowered relationships. The work that I do is very much a peeling back of the false layers of self. All those layers of conditioning, programming, trauma that get piled on top of us throughout the course of life; we're peeling those back and coming home to the true essence, that core self that exists underneath all of that. So it's not a path of trying to fix ourselves. I don't see anyone as broken. Sometimes we just lose connection with our true selves. It's not a path of jumping through spiritual Olympics hoops, A, B, and C to achieve X, Y, and Z, and become this version of ourselves that exists somewhere out there on a future pedestal. No, this is just a coming home to the person, the essence that has been within all along.

Through this journey, I had to really look at the unconscious wounds that created space for illnesses to manifest in my life and led me to where I was. This is not to say that anybody that has an illness did something to deserve it. That's not at all what I'm saying here. But I was able to see that there were ways that I created space for these different patterns to hook into my field, which then manifested physically. For example, In that toxic relationship that I had in my late teens, I didn't have a sense of self-worth. I didn't have a sense of boundaries. My boundaries were constantly being violated. I was so vulnerable; it's a parasitic energy. This relationship was very parasitic, and then I ended up manifesting parasites. I got intestinal parasites. I had Lyme's and these co-infections, these things living in my body that I really feel I had created space for because there, there wasn't any energetic boundaries in my life, and that manifested physically for things to make their way into my field.

I also was not super embodied. I didn't know how to listen to my body and I didn't know how to communicate the needs of my body. I felt violated many times by not being empowered in my boundaries. I felt like I gave energy in ways that I didn't want to, that I didn't feel like I was consenting to, but I also didn't know how to say no.

This was a really common theme in my life. I was not in a strong space to keep these energies out and they eventually manifested as physical illness. So I had to start looking at what were the parts of me that called this in? And what were the parts of me that were keeping this around?

Because through that victim mentality, through that desire for sympathy, I was keeping myself in this place of illness because I was attached to what it was doing for me and what it was getting for me. I realized that I was grasping for these cheap highs of sympathy, and that really, I wanted connection, I wanted compassion, I wanted to feel cared for. I didn't need anyone to feel sorry for me. I came to the realization that I could either heal, or I could stay in victim hood, and I couldn't have both. They were conflicting with each other. My attachment to my victim story was preventing me from healing, it was standing in the way of that. We all have attachments to stories that keep us playing small, that can feel comforting or safe in some way. I came to realize I was very intimately acquainted with my own shadow. I knew very deeply, the sides of me that were really challenging that I really didn't like, that I didn't know how to love. I was learning how to love those through this work, but I was really afraid of my own light, and my own power, and my ability to step forth into the world and offer my gifts. That was terrifying to me. Being sick was also a great way to stay playing small and tucked away and not have to push those edges. It was a great way to procrastinate, and again, not saying this is the story for everyone who is dealing with some sort of illness, this was just my story. These were the things I started to notice about myself, that I had to get really honest with, and ultimately we need to be intimately acquainted with both our shadow and our light. They again are two sides of the same coin, equally as beautiful and necessary.

So this was my initiation into the path of alchemy, of transmutation. So spinning straw into gold, really taking what life hands us, and being able to transmute it into medicine. So, no matter how painful or challenging it is, really seeing that our greatest challenges are pathways to our greatest gifts.

I don't know that I would have had a reason to look so deeply into sexuality, and then from there into tantra and Taoism had I not gone through this process of necessity where I really needed to dive into this work in order to heal myself. Of course, we all have interests that we just naturally feel called to, and I had always felt that calling, I had always felt curious. But the speed and the depth at which I plunged in out of necessity, out of knowing this is something that's going to help me move through this was a huge initiation into the work that I do.

So I became very, very grateful for illness as a teacher. Not grateful in a way that I needed to hang on to the illness, but grateful in that I could see what gift was being offered. So, if everything is sacred through the lens of Tantra, everything we are presented in life is carrying message, medicine, purpose. We can receive something from it if we allow ourselves to open, if we have the courage to lean in and get curious. So it's really about finding our yes in every moment. That doesn't mean overriding a boundary, it means where is the yes in this moment? Maybe I hate being sick and I feel awful, and can I breathe into it and get curious about how I can transmute this, about what this is here to teach me, how it's shaping me, what kind of magic I can create with it, even if I'm exhausted. What little bit can I work with? Even if it's just the internal alchemy within the heart, even if I'm not doing anything with it externally, how can I learn from this? How can I welcome it as a teacher?

So this work, these tools, they did not make my illness disappear. I've still had to work with all kinds of practitioners. I've invested an enormous amount of money tending to my health. But the way that I navigate illness, the way that it affects my life is so different than when I started. Yes, there are days that I hate it and I wish it wasn't here, but I have incredible tools to work with it, and I know why it's here. I know what it's led me to and the lessons are ever unfolding. They're always continuing. So this is such an infinite journey for me. Even with my own sexual healing, there are always layers upon layers, opening, and deepening within that. Sometimes I feel like I backtrack and something new arises to be worked through, and it allows me to deepen into the work even more fully. So much of what I've learned on this path is through my own experience which has offered me embodied wisdom. So through my relationships, through my own sexuality and my own life experiences, I feel like I'm always in school and I'm always being offered new challenges to work through to embody new perspectives and new angles of wisdom in this realm of work. So when I can see that, when I can see each piece, each challenge, is shaping me, it's helping me hone my craft, it's helping me deepen my understanding of this path. Then I can be grateful for it and I can embrace it.

When I have flare ups in my body, it's usually an indication that I've been going too fast, that I've been doing too much, that I need to slow down and listen. It's an invitation to connect with my body more deeply, to listen more closely, to be in constant dialogue and awareness of this beautiful earth temple that I get to exist within. So it's a huge perspective shift from, oh, my body is not doing what it's supposed to or what I want it to, to Hey body, what do you need? How have i been neglecting you? Where can i show up more fully to tend to you?

It's a very holistic path and it has completely transformed my overall state of being and has given me the tools, and the courage, and the trust, and the gratitude to move through all of the challenges. I'm so deeply grateful for that. The sense of passion and purpose that has spawned through this journey has rippled out to touch thousands of lives through the people that I work with.

So I encourage you no matter what challenges you're facing in your life to get curious about what are they offering you? What are they here to teach you? What medicine can you harvest from them? Can you alchemize lead into gold? Can you recognize this is an opportunity for you to level up? Can you step out of victim mentality and reclaim your role as co-creator of this reality? Can you find your turn on about life? Find the one little thing that turns you on that can give you energy in this moment. The one thing you feel grateful for? It could even just simply be the breath. And I say simply, but the breath is the life force that anchors us into this human experience.

We do not exist in human form without the breath. So many of us have become so disconnected from the gratitude that we can feel. The sensual nourishment we can feel from this holy gift of the breath weaving through our lungs, pulsing through our being, that's vitality, that's connected to our sexual energy. So I encourage you right now to just think about a challenge that you're facing.

Feel it in your body.

Feel into what's present, what sensations arise.

Notice what thought patterns come up around this challenge?

Notice if there's any victim story. If there are any limiting beliefs, outdated stories that are keeping you playing small.

And see if you can find that nourishment in the breath, the gratitude for the breath right here, right now. Breathing all the way down into the belly.

Ah,

Can you find some sense of vitality, of turn on, of aliveness in connection with the breath, paired with gratitude while also in the presence of holding this challenge? Can you let them co-exist? The challenge is here, and so is your breath, so is your gratitude and your vitality. Can you just breathe deeply into that? Letting it be sensual, nourishing, nurturing.

Letting yourself just be filled with this life force. Coming to life.

From here, can you think outside the box? Can you get creative? Can you open to new inspiration? Around how you can receive the gifts and medicine of this challenge? How you can, alchemize them?

How you can work with them in a way that brings you home more fully to yourself?

Taking another couple deep breaths here.

Last one, giving it all you've got, taking it fully in.

And letting it go entirely.

Noticing what you feel in your body.

And now taking this gift of gratitude and aliveness with you into whatever you do today, channeling this vitality into creating the life that you want to be living, into receiving fully from every single circumstance in life.

Choosing to walk through each doorway, knowing that every doorway is a doorway to the divine. We are often turning away, saying not this situation. Not now. Not here. This is unpalatable. This isn't how it was supposed to go. This isn't what I expected.

But what if it was exactly as it was meant to be? What if you were being offered the exact medicine you need in this moment? Can you just receive it, sink your teeth in and drinking of life's juices, even when they're sour?

Stepping through the doorway and getting curious about what it has to offer.

I trust that this will serve you well throughout the rest of your day.

If you desire to go deeper down your own path of alchemy and transmutation, I do have a self-paced online course called the Art of Transmutation, and I do work with clients privately as well. You can find out about all of that on my website.

Thank you so much for joining me. I look forward to connecting with you in the next episode where we'll be talking about what tantra and Taoism are on a deeper level. I hope you have a really beautiful rest of your day.

All my love, ciao.

Thank you so much for dropping into Nectar: sex and soul with me today. It's been a pleasure to connect with you. If this episode lit you up or illuminated something impactful for you in some way, I invite you to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone you feel would love to hear it.

To learn more about my work, check out sureyaleonara.com, sign up for my newsletter, and follow me on Instagram and YouTube where I share tons of free content, special offers and ensure you're the first to know about my new offerings. I offer private coaching as well as courses, workshops, and retreats, so be sure to stay in touch if you'd like to go deeper together.

Thank you, loves. Have a gorgeous day. Ciao.