Episode 12: Which is Better: Monogamy or Non-Monogamy? Ft. Ellecia Paine, Non-monogamous Relationship Coach
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Sureya: “I get asked a lot of questions about like, what's better monogamy or non-monogamy? And to me personally, I think it's a very personal choice. I don't think there's a one size fits all approach for everyone. But I do think that most people are very conditioned to be monogamous and sometimes that's not the best fit for them. Sometimes people don't know they have other options. And I also think there's just a lot of misunderstandings, misconceptions around what non-monogamy entails.
I think a lot of people can dismiss it as not wanting to do the work or be committed or just being promiscuous. And then I think a lot of people can dismiss monogamy as being repressed or being stuck in a box. And really, I think that both of them have such valuable insights that they can offer us into ourselves and in relationship. And from my perspective, I see that so many of the skill sets and core values required for healthy relationships are the same in both monogamy and nonmonogamy. I think, you know, as far as really awesome, clear communication, honesty, trust, integrity, these are all really important things, no matter what style of relationship we have.”
Sureya: “I'm curious for you, what were some of your biggest breakthroughs in being able to start rewiring some of those belief systems and really get curious around what you needed to be open to and shift in order for you to be open and receptive to your partner's love without getting swallowed whole by the jealousy or, you know, letting it, trigger you in ways that made the, the dynamic not worth it?”
Ellecia: “Well, I was swallowed whole a lot, a whole lot. I have always been a very jealous and possessive person. I just knew that those traits didn't serve me. They didn't make my life better in any way. So I was like, okay, we gotta unwind some of this. So that was the biggest thing.
You know, knowing that my partner was having sex with other people, I was able to work through that. Like that, wasn't a thing that like, sent me. Like occasionally it would set me off, but not always. But really, the idea of polyamory and that he could love someone else and still love me. That was like, it was so hard to, you know, I could logically grasp it.I could think it through and look at other people and go, well, obviously, like I've fallen in love so many times in my life. Of course you love multiple people. I mean, we just, in our culture, just exchange them, usually. Right? But we fall in love over and over.
So I could look at it logically and be like, yeah, of course. But then when I was sitting in it, I was like, oh my God, I'm no longer valuable. I'm no longer loved. I'm being abandoned. Why are you hurting me? You know, this hurts me. Why are you hurting me? You know? And he'd be like, well, okay, should we close our relationship? I'm like, no, I don't want that. I told you from the beginning, I still want to do the things I want to do. I just don't want you to do the things you want to do, which is really unloving. So like keep doing what you're going to do and I'll figure it out.”
Ellecia: “I have two partners that I live with, and their lovers as well, and the three of us have a triad. And I remember if I would come home and the two of them were in bed, and they know I'm coming home, you know, my stomach would drop, my body would go cold. I was so activated and just wanted to run away. You know, why are you guys doing this? You know I was coming home and they're like, yeah, we knew we were coming home. We figured you'd just join us. Like, it's so obvious. But for me, it was like, I felt like I wasn't wanted, I wasn't desired. Like you guys were just waiting until I was gone because you don't actually want me there.
And when I really dug into it, it was the exact same feeling, the same sensations in my body as when I was like an 11 year old girl and all my girlfriends had a slumber party without me. Right? Like I wasn't invited to the party. It’d be all of my best friends and I wasn't wanted there. I had all these stories and it was the same thing. So here I am playing out this wound from being 11 years old at fucking 40 years old, like the same exact thing happening. So I really think it's important to dig deeper beyond what your partner is doing in the moment, but like what is this activating and you, what fear, what hurt, what wound is being pressed on?”
Sureya: “It's just like at first acknowledging it and like even owning that, I think that even pulls it out of the shadows and the shame of just owning, like, ‘Hey, I'm feeling really jealous right now,’ and letting that be witnessed, I think could probably go a really long way.”
Ellecia: “I love that you use the word shame because that's it like, there is this sense of shame. Like I, especially in non-monogamy, right, I look at my partner and go, I told you I was okay with you doing this thing. I told you it was okay. And I would be fine. Like I am on board. I supported it and now I feel really bad things in my body. I feel really jealous. I feel really scared, really insecure. I feel like you're abandoning me or leaving me, or maybe you don't love me anymore. And I feel so much shame because it sounds like I'm changing my mind or I'm accusing you of doing something wrong, even though I told you to do the thing.
And so kind of, you got to remove the shame from it. Like it's just an emotion and you can just express the emotion without it being an attack or a judgment, or even a decision. Right? It's just an emotion. That's the first thing is, acknowledging it, sitting with it, playing with it, digging into it, figuring out what's below it.”
Ellecia: “For a lot of people who are in non-monogamous relationships, there's this idea that, you know, if you're feeling jealous, that's something you need to work on.
And I think it's really important that when people are dealing with their jealousy, that they are actually in a healthy relationship, right? Because it can be, if you're in an unhealthy relationship that actually is manipulative or abusive, jealousy can be used to gaslight the fuck out of you. And you can start gaslighting yourself.
I think that that's a really important piece to acknowledge because it happens all the time. Right? And so that's where we start second guessing ourselves. Like, is what I'm experiencing a real problem? Or is this an internal insecurity that I have? Am I comparing myself to other people? Or am I actually in a shitty situation?”
Ellecia: “Find someone. Find a coach, find someone else who's successfully non-monogamous. Find a Facebook group, find some sort of community where you see how other people are doing it, what they're navigating, what troubles they're running into and how they're navigating that. What advice are other people giving them?
This will also take out some of the shame, right? Like if you are coming from a monogamous mindset upbringing, a lot of us grow up very conservatively, there can be a lot of shame around sexuality, especially non-monogamous sexuality. And so seeing that, like, you're not this free who wants to do a weird thing that nobody else is doing. Find community, some sort of support that isn't your monogamous best friend.”