Episode 14: Cultivating Sexual Sovereignty + Living a Turned On Life
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Sureya: “Your unique sexual energy doesn't exist for someone else. It exists first and foremost for you. It's the stuff that you're made out of. It's how you got here and you get to choose who you share that with, as a gift. A lot of women have felt like their sexual energy is just there for their man, if they're in a heterosexual relationship.
There are a lot of women who have felt like sex is an obligatory duty, a chore that they have to offer their man and that it's for him. And they've never been able to tap into their own sexual pleasure. They've never been able to feel into what they want and feel honored, and like there's a reciprocity there.
So sexual sovereignty is hugely about claiming that this energy is for you. So that you can learn what you want and then ask for what you want. It's really hard to communicate what you want, if you don't know, right? And it's hard to know what you want, if you've never explored your own body. When you know how to fill your own cup, you set your standards. So sexual sovereignty is a way to really honor our worth and to give to ourselves what we are desiring. And by doing so we're more likely to attract what we're desiring.
Sureya: “Sexual sovereignty is about being able to fill your own cup rather than projecting your needs onto your lover or onto other people or on to the need for a lover.
Of course it is delicious and amazing to have another person to share our sexual energy with. If we are dependent on that, we can be stuck in this place of lack and grasping and needing another person to fill a void.
So having a way that we can fill our cup rather than being dependent upon somebody to do that for us all the time is so essential to us feeling fulfilled and being able to take care of ourselves, right? That's a very sexy quality.
Yes, we want to be able to ask our lover for the things that are going to provide sexual satisfaction. We need to be able to express our desires and feel like many of those are met. But, we can't expect that our sexual fulfillment is completely the other person's responsibility. So if you're not bringing any turn onto the table, you're not feeling alive and turned on by life, and you're just like, "Hey, I need you to light me up. I need you to be the reason I experienced pleasure and feel turned on."
That's not going to feel magnetic, attractive, exciting to them. And you're making them do a lot of work that is actually your work to do. If you can't get turned on by yourself, how are you going to expect somebody else to get turned on by you? Do you see how this works? We need to be able to source that turn on from within. This is a very magnetic quality.”