Take Your Power Back

Between the ages of 19-21, I was in a very toxic, abusive relationship.

At the time, I lacked a sense of self-worth or self-love, and I didn’t even know it.

I was furious every time he lied, cheated on me, or manipulated me. I kept expecting his behavior to change, while drowning in a pity-party of “woe is me, my boyfriend is the worst.”

I had the idea I could fix him, and believed it was my responsibility to rescue him. I carried the burden of his mental health and felt as though his survival and sanity hung from a fragile string that was mine to keep intact.

One day things came to an extremely ugly and disastrous head. I was spiraling out into another black hole of victim mentality, when a wise man and now dear friend said to me:

“You’re responsible for what’s happening in your life right now.”

...WHAT did he just say to me?

The nerve.

I was shocked, offended, appalled.

How could he blame me for this?! Clearly this was all my boyfriend’s doing!

I sat with it.

I let it marinate.

It stirred something so deeply uncomfortable within me and held the mirror in a way I could barely stomach.

With time, my part in the drama became so crystal clear, and I realized that indeed I was responsible for what was happening in my life.

I didn’t need to be at the effect of my boyfriend. I could leave the relationship and free myself of it entirely.

I could be at the cause of my life instead. In fact, I already was.

I was the one choosing to stay. I was the one abandoning myself. I was the one who needed to change to get myself out of this situation.

His life was not mine to save; his story was not mine to write; his problems were not mine to solve. He was the only person who could change himself and I needed to tend to my own inner work rather than his.

It wasn't about him, it was about me and what standards I was setting for my own life.

This was my first initiation into radical self-responsibility in a way that was less than obvious.

I was terrified of what would happen to him if I left, and I had to accept that he was responsible for himself and that his actions were not my responsibility.

It was a messy disentanglement, but I freed myself from all the ways I was holding myself back in this relationship, and within our final weekend, discovered my first taste of genuine self-love (a story for another time).

He did struggle after our separation, terribly. And it wasn’t mine to fix.

Both of the men in this story have been some of my greatest teachers, and I’m so grateful for them. This experience not only taught me invaluable lessons that prevented me from getting stuck in this type of relationship again, but that also rippled out into every area of my life, and helped guide me home to myself.

Taking responsibility for my piece doesn’t excuse my ex-boyfriend for any of the things he did. It doesn’t mean I deserved them, or wasn’t a victim.

It means I took my power back and chose to write a different story, after acknowledging and feeling all the pain (this is a necessary first step in transmuting hardship!).

In the Art of Transmutation, we will journey deep into practical tools for alchemizing pain into medicine, obstacles into opportunities, and struggles into gifts.

We will cultivate radical self-responsibility and come home to our own unique sovereign songs.

If this calls to you, I encourage you to lean into that edge and say yes. I’d love to have you along for the journey.